2020

Okay, okay, you all know it by now. 2020 was a pretty historic year in terms of everything just kind of going totally bonkers. It has hit some harder than others. I hope y’all are hanging in there.

I’ve been thinking about what this year has meant to me. In terms of gamedev, it was rough. I took a long time on pre-production for ProtoDungeon: Episode III (I think about 7-8 months after I released the last Episode II update). I didn’t really hit any of my goals in terms of finishing. I’d hoped my process would speed up, not slow down.

But that circles back into what 2020 has been. A year of reorientation, in a sense. A reinforcement of something I’ve always believed but fell behind on practicing: contentment is not based on circumstance. Even if you have it all, everything you dreamed, you can still be the most bitter, ungrateful soul. To make it personal, even if I had an extra four hours per day to work on my gamedev hobby, that’s no guarantee I’d be happy. So often we think “If only I had [x], if only I could do [y], then I’d be set.” If I only had time to learn 3D and music composition and painting and finish all my games…

But thanks to 2020, I’ve come to realize that’s not really true.

I challenged myself this year to be more thankful. To spend time every morning thinking about everything I possibly can about the people and things I’m grateful for. It seems backwards, but I’m not sure I would have started this if 2020 hadn’t been as crazy as it was. I’m not particularly good at it, and I forget a lot, lol, but the more I do it, the less cynical I find myself becoming.

My wife and I discuss often how we don’t want to be those parents who are always complaining about their kids, about how hard it is or what they’re sacrificing as parents or zeroing in on all their children’s flaws. We run into people like this occasionally. I wonder if they resent having kids.

The reality is, kids are always changing. They’re always in a new phase or sometimes misbehaving. Children are not perfect, and some have more difficulties than others. But if you focus on only on how hard it is, that will kinda be what your heart morphs into over time. The more you tell yourself and others how bad it is, the more that starts to become what you believe, the more the negativity and toxins sink into your soul and define you.

The flip side is true too. If you focus on the wonder and joy, that starts to become central. You value your relationship with them more. You’re more proud of them, and that love overflows into them and even other people. And then, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” When they’re misbehaving or throwing tantrums or whatever, it’s much easier to take in stride, with understanding and empathy for your child.

I want to be like that for my life. Not that everything will always be perfect. It won’t. And I mean, let’s be real, there’s no magical dividing line that will make 2021 better than 2020. Maybe it will be better, maybe it won’t. Every year that passes I hear people say it was “the worst year ever,” and I have said this too sometimes (though I think 2020 has some great “worst year ever” jokes, I won’t begrudge anyone that, lol). But I want to be thankful, grateful for all the blessings in my life.

It’s not about sticking my head in the sand and pretending everything’s okay, and it’s definitely not about being silent in the face of injustice. It’s not even always about being happy–I’ll be sad, angry, confused sometimes.  But… life is always changing. Maybe having lighter hearts, not weighed down by the heavy curse of bitterness, will make it easier to navigate the waves.

I have no way of predicting what will happen in 2021. However, I have decided to continue practicing looking for the good and the beautiful and the right and emphasizing it and telling stories about it. I’m going to spend less time on my phone and more time interacting with my daughter (and inevitably my son who’s due any day now). I’m going to make an effort to be thankful for my day job.

And this kind of thing has already started helping with finishing up Episode III. I’m still encountering bugs left and right, and some of them are particularly frustrating to sort out. And who knows, maybe I’ll release it and it’ll be a dud. But I’m enjoying making it again. I’m looking forward to what’s to come in Episode IV on up through The Waking Cloak and beyond.

So, Happy New Year!

Peace